*Disclaimer* This is NOT based on a true story. It is an exaggerated version of several stereotypical internet dating scenarios all mushed into one stupid fairy tale farce.
Can you guess which fairy tale? I made it really obvious this time.
A Maserati Ride
We wished dating was simpler. We wished finding someone we
really liked was easier. We wished we could bypass the whole guessing game and
just get to the part where things made sense.
We
wished, and the world delivered. Should we have been careful what we wished for?
That all depends on your experience.
“Another
dating app?” Rachel asked as she peaked over her my shoulder, “It kinda looks
exactly like all the others.”
“It’s
called Dating Genie,” I wrinkled my nose and stuck out my tongue at her as she
began to raid my refrigerator, “I don’t know how I like it yet. I haven’t even swiped right once.”
“Swipe?
Now, there’s a word I hear waaay too often nowadays,” Rachel began, “I'm glad to be done with that scene.”
“You’re
right…” I laughed, half ignoring her, “This is exactly like all the other
dating apps. Left, left, left, right, left!”
“So you
finally right swiped?” Rachel danced suggestively across the kitchen floor
holding a bag of grapes and a jar of mayonnaise, “Was it an insta-match, at
least?”
“What
the hell are you making, Rach?”
“A
sandwich,” Rachel answered matter of factly, “Where’s the bread?”
“Freezer,”
I told her.
“That’s
weird, Jenn…”
“Says
the person making a grape and mayo sandwich.”
“So did
you insta-match?” Rachel asked again.
“Um…
no. This app sucks. I’m starting to think Dating Genie requires every user to have either a gun selfie, a shirtless gym pic, or a photo of their latest
dispensary purchase. Why would I want to see their weed? Oh right, because I
don’t.”
“Haha!
What? Lemme see these guys,” Rachel paused from making her sandwich to look
over my shoulder again, “That guy is cute. Swipe right on him.”
“No, it
says he’s 5’8”,” I say after looking over his bio.
“Oh my
god, Jenn. So what? You’re like what, 5’2”?”
“I’m
5’5”, and it’s a preference. I don’t find men under a certain height attractive. It’s science or
something.”
“Oh,
well excuse me Miss Picky Pants,” Rachel returned to making her sandwich at the
counter.
“Well, I know what I like. Why settle
for less?”
“I guess”
Rachel shrugged, “Do you want a sandwich?”
“Not
the kind you’re making…” I laughed as I swiped left to the rhythm of the song
‘peanut butter jelly time’ inside my head, “Oh shit!”
“Sup?
See somebody you know?”
“No, I
just accidentally swiped left on a really attractive guy. Like, I’m pretty sure
I’ve seen him in my dreams before. I think his profile was outlined in red too.
What does that mean?”
“Oh,
well now you’ll never know,” Rachel shrugged again, “Or you can deactivate and
reactivate and see if you can find him again.”
“Yea
but what was the red outliney thingy? It was different than the other profiles,” I looked
over the screen for some kind of answer.
“I
don’t friggin’ know,” Rachel took a bite of her sandwich, “I just got married.
I don’t use that crap anymore. Maybe it was a fake profile or something.”
“Why would
they call attention to a fake profile by outlining it?” as I said this, I
spotted a tiny sideways heart with the sharp end pointing to the left of the
screen and pressed it, “Hold on, I found something.”
The
screen on my phone yielded a wisp of pink smoke and a text bubble.
Change
of heart?
Would you like to add 3 re-swipes to your
Dating Genie account for just $4.99?
“$4.99 for 3 re-swipes?!” I
exclaimed, “That’s more than a dollar per swipe.”
“Well it’s a free app. They have
to make money somehow,” Rachel scoffed, “Just get it if you really want to see
this dream dude.”
“Ok, here goes it. They better
not steal my credit card info.”
Five minutes later I saw him.
Tall and strong with shiny dark hair, strong cheek bones, and piercing green
eyes. His bio said he worked was a scientist/mechanical engineer, had never
been married, and had no kids. He was looking for someone who loves
animals and enjoys live music, the outdoors, and good food. His six photos were
of the following:
1. Him
standing alone in a suit in front of a snazzy office building. Presumably, a
work related photo.
2. Him
holding a puppy like a baby, smiling ear to ear.
3. A
group of guys in a bar. He’s in there somewhere.
4. Some
people rafting from far away. Water is spraying everywhere and the details of
who’s in the boat are unclear, but the scenery around it is beautiful.
5. An
old photo of a little boy and girl on a ratty old couch. The girl has her
tongue out and the boy is giving her bunny ears and grinning wildly.
6. Iron
Man? Or maybe just the guy in a head-to-toe Iron Man costume taken by a
professional photographer.
The red outline around his profile had a header that read “Likealot”.
I swiped right.
Wallah!
Daniel has LIKEALOTTED you!
This means he finds your profile super special.
If you would like to LIKELOT Daniel back, please
press the double heart below his photo.
I pressed it, sending a wisp of pink smoke swirling up the screen
again.
Abracadabra!
You and Daniel have LIKEALOTTED each other.
Would you like to send him a message or
keep playing?
“Ah-hah! I’m glad I bought those
reswipes. This guy is amazing!” I clicked back to his profile and showed my phone
to Rachel.
Rachel shrugged again, “I
guess.”
“Are you kidding me? This is my
ideal guy! And we both likealotted each other.”
“What the f--, never mind. Just
message him if you’re that excited. Do
you have any balsamic vinegar?”
That Friday evening I waited at
the park down the street from my apartment, where I told Daniel I’d meet him
when he picked me up for our date.
At 7pm on the dot, the car
slowly rolled up to the bench where I sat. The passenger side window rolled
down and a wave of disbelief rolled over me.
“Well good evening, ma’lady!”
Daniel’s chiseled face smiled brightly at me through the passenger window from
the driver’s seat.
“A Maserati?” I tried to play it
cool, but my response could have probably been described as star-struck.
“Surprise,” Daniel’s voice was
cool and collected, “You ready?”
I nodded and stood to walk
towards the car. Daniel came around to open the door for me.
“It’s nice to meet you, Daniel”
I held out my hand to him once we were both in the car, trying my best to be
unawkwardly friendly.
“It’s a pleasure, Jennifer,” he
took my hand and kissed it lightly before setting my hand down on the center
console.
I pulled my hand into my lap defensively, unsure of how to welcome
the gesture.
“Where are we headed?” I asked him after a moment.
“Do you like Indian food?” he looked at with a raised eyebrow.
“I do.”
We headed downtown, and I turned to the passenger side window to
hide that I was half smiling and half totally confused.
Do I like this guy? Or do I only
like his car? And his face? Do I like him at all? How can I not?
I realized we’d said practically nothing to each other.
“So, at what company do you work as an engineer?” I turned to him
and asked brightly.
“My own,” he bragged, “See, I grew up dirt poor. Like… shit poor.
We had nothing! My toys were all pretty old and not very fun and I was an only
child. So, I learned to build things. I was always fiddling with something and making stuff out of other stuff. I just loved to invent things, and that’s what I do to this day.”
“That’s awesome that you do what you love! I like that story. Have
you worked on anything I’d know?”
Daniel snickered and wiped his eyebrow before speaking again, “Um…
have you heard about the new Tesla?”
“The self-driving one, yes!” I exclaimed, “You worked on that?”
Daniel nodded and beamed brightly, “I’m working on that currently,
actually.”
“No… shut up! That’s incredible.”
“Would you like to pick up this conversation inside?” Daniel had
stopped the car in front of Diamond in the Rough, a swanky new Indian
restaurant.
“I never actually considered going here?” I told him.
“Well why not?” Daniel chuckled.
“I don’t know. I didn’t think I was fancy enough, I guess.”
“Well you look nice,” he said coolly, “And as long as you have a
reservation, they don’t give a crap how fancy you are.”
At the table, Daniel ordered an expensive bottle of wine and three
appetizers.
“I can’t drink or eat all this,” I giggled as the appetizers
arrived.
“Well it’s a good thing you’re not the only one here,” Daniel
teased.
“Well I don’t want you to have to drive after drinking all the
wine I can’t finish.”
Daniel gave me a sideways smile and raised an eyebrow confidently,
“I know my limits.”
The server came by again and Daniel ordered a large Thali platter
as our entrée.
So what do you do for fun? Tell me about Jennifer,” Daniel asked
me his first personal question of the evening.
“Well…” I sighed, “Where do I start? I like to be outdoors, I
write a lot.”
“Oh you write?” Daniel sounded excited.
“I do! Do you?”
“Yes, I’ve written plenty, actually. I’m about to publish a
trilogy,” Daniel bragged.
“A trilogy? Are you publishing them all at once or one by one?” my question was delivered
in a surprisingly confused manner.
“I’m going to do it all at once. Just get ‘em out there and then
not have to worry about it. They’ve been done now for over a decade.”
“You wrote them when you were a teenager? Why’d it take you so
long to publish?”
The server pulled the appetizer plates and set down the Thali
platter.
Daniel grabbed a pita and dipped it as he spoke, “I wrote the
trilogy when I was a kid actually. I had polio, so I spent a few years just
laying around. I got bored and wrote this long, long story in my head. Then
when I was about 15, I started to type it up.”
Through my tipsy haze, I could no longer control the growing doubt
in my voice, “Didn’t polio go extinct before we were born?”
Daniel cocked his head and pursed his lips, “In America, yes. Both
my parents are pediatricians, though, so we were exposed to everything. A lot
of immigration from Europe happened here in the 80s and early 90s, and I ended up with
polio.”
“Your parents are both doctors? Didn't you say you grew up dirt poor?”
I was no longer holding back calling this guy out on his bullshit.
“Pediatricians don’t make as much as you’d think. Plus, they had so many hospital
bills since I was always sick,” his facial expressions were still as calm and cool
as the moment we’d first met earlier in the evening.
“That’s fascinating…” my
voice had grown damn near snotty at that point, but Daniel hadn’t even seemed
to notice, “So, did anyone else get sick? Anyone in your house? Tell me about the girl in the old photo on your profile? Is that your sister?”
“Yea, that’s Samantha,” he smirked, “Ruddy little redhead.”
“I thought you said you were an only child.”
Daniel’s expression changed for the first time in several minutes.
A look of sadness washed over him, “That was the last photo we ever got of
Sammy. She’s been missing for almost 20 years.”
“Missing?” I tried to keep some compassion in my voice out of
respect for the slim chance that Daniel may have been telling the truth, but I
just couldn’t resist the urge to be a smartass, “Poor Samantha… Do you ever
find out what happened? I mean, the truth has got to be out there,”
Daniel looked up at me, and for the first time all night, he looked
uneasy. My phone buzzed in my purse. It was a text from Rachel.
So… how’s the date
with Mr. Perfect going?
“You’ll have to excuse me for a moment,” I told Daniel as I stood
up and headed the restroom.
Once alone, I pulled out my phone and called Rachel.
“Hey what’s up?” she answered.
“What… the fuck? This is the weirdest date ever! This guy has
literally told me his life story three times already as Iron Man, George Lucas,
and… fucking Fox Mulder!”
Laughter erupted on the other end of the phone, “I know none of
those people’s life stories, Jen. At least you do. Do you think he’s a liar?”
“Oh, he’s a total compulsive liar. But he did pick me up in a
Maserati and I wouldn’t have believed that either if he told me he had one.
Maybe he’s just really interesting. I dunno, Rach.”
“Geez, he probably rented it,” Rachel sounded as if she had a
mouthful of food, “Just tell him you need to leave. Tell him you just found out
your best friend is pregnant and you need to see her tonight. Uber it over
here.”
“Isn’t it bad karma or something to lie about pregnancy, even if
it’s someone else’s?” I roll my eyes at her through the phone.
“Not if it’s true…” Rachel said, still chewing.
“Wait, what!” I exclaim, “You are?”
“Grape and mayo sandwiches, baby!” Rachel giggled happily, “Come
over now! We have so much to talk about!”
“Oh my god! I’ll be there ASAP. I’ll just tell him
you need me, but I might as well have him drop me off since you're only a few blocks from here. Besides, when will I ever
get to ride in a Maserati again?”
“I don’t care, Jen. Just be careful. See you soon.”
I found Daniel leaving the men’s restroom as I exited the women’s.
“You ready?” he held out his arm to link with mine.
“You’re done already?” I asked, surprised.
“Yep, all paid out? Wanna get outta here?” he winked at me.
I smirked and shook my head, “I just found out my best friend is pregnant. Sorry to cut the night
short but I’ve gotta head over there now. Would you mind dropping me just a few
blocks from here?”
Daniel cocked his head at me, “It’s not nice to lie, Jennifer.”
“No, it's definitely not... Can we go please?”
“Turn left in two blocks please, and then it’s about three blocks
down from there. Thanks for everything,” I forced a smile at Daniel as we
exited the parking lot.
“No problem,” he smiled back, “Maybe next time we can actually
stay out a little later than 8:30.”
“Yea… next time…” I said flatly.
We sat in complete silence for the next ten seconds.
“Hey, Daniel, you were supposed to turn back there. You missed the
street. It’s… wait, there’s an ambulance or something trying to get through.
You should probably pull to the right.”
Daniel looked nervously into his rear-view mirror but did not pull
over.
“Do you trust me?” he asked.
“Um… sure, but can you please pull over so that emergency vehicle
can get through? We can worry about the turn in a minute.”
“Do you trust me!” the car picked up speed as he shouted the
question at me again.
“No, not really!” I exclaimed, “Not at all. I’d like you let me
out now. Please stop up there.”
The emergency vehicle had kept up behind the Maserati as Daniel sped
towards the highway entrance.
“What the fuck! They’re pulling you over. You’re not going to
be able to outrun them. Please stop the car and let me out!”
He pulled onto the entrance ramp, but a gaggle of squad cars had
already flooded it, making it impossible for him to drive forward any further.
I reached frantically for the door handle, but he’d already thrown
the car into reverse and had started to back up towards the road again.
“STOP!” I screamed, “Just stop the car!”
The Maserati halted then. We had backed into a squad car at the
base of the highway entrance.
Daniel said nothing. His face was slack and expressionless and he
slowly exited the car with his hands up. Unsure of what to legally do in the
situation, I did the same.
I was approached by an officer and asked for my driver’s license
before they cuffed me and sat me down in a squad car for questioning.
“What’s your relationship with Dino Alverez?” the officer asked.
“First date,” I answered, “Told me his name was Daniel.”
“When did you decide to walk out of Diamond in the Rough without
paying for your meal?”
“He told me he had paid while I was in the bathroom.”
“Are you aware the vehicle you’ve been riding in is stolen.”
“No, but it’s probably the first thing all night I can actually believe.”
“Ok, it looks like you’ve been through a lot here tonight. This
guy’s a repeat offender and your record is clean. You’re free to go.”
They uncuffed me and I walked to the end of entrance ramp, where I
took out my phone.
Thank you for
ordering UberX! Rajesh will be arriving in 2 minutes.
Watch for the tan Toyota Corolla.
Are
you sure you want to deactivate your
Dating Genie account?
