Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

I hope you are well. I’ve been keeping busy and I’d like to think I’ve been good this year. I don’t have a chimney this year but I’m sure you’ll be able to manage.







First off, I’d like to thank you for the following gifts you brought me for 2014.

      -Thank you for helping me to find the patience to start taking care and fixing of all that went haywire for me last year

      -Thank you for helping me to utilize my brain power in a more effective and productive way

      -Thank you for my friends, up to and including any and all friends of the K9 variety

      -Thank you for chocolate, bacon, strong black tea, and non-dairy mylk beverages

      -Thank you for helping me to find Me again

Here is what I’d like this year for Christmas (keep in mind that I started drafting this on Sunday the 21st so it won't hit cyberspace until after you make your rounds. I'm sure you'll manage)

    -New tires for my car

      -New running shoes and sexy date-night boots

      -The end of the financial shitstorm created by dat' yucky man who is no longer part of my life

      -One of those immersion blenders and a spiralizer peeler thingy

      -To stop being ignored by the men I actually want to date (seriously wtf is up with this? If I don’t like them they won’t leave me alone. As soon as I do like them they lose interest)

      -Consistent good sleep

      -To have the drive and patience to finish my novel

      -^That^ and also to succeed in working towards publishing it

      -Drive and patience to begin the next novel (ideas are already in the works!)

      -Decreased anxiety and no more gray hairs

      -No more insomnia, allergies, sinus issues, arthritis, or migraines

      -Chocolate, bacon, and strong black tea (you know…as stocking stuffers)

      -For the new Star Wars to be awesome

      -For the 22 dogs at the rescue right now to find homes by early March, and then we take in 22 more dogs they’ll all find homes by June, and then we’ll take in 22 more and they’ll all find homes by September, and everyone will have a furever doggie and everyone will be happy and then all the little animals at Dumb Friends League and Foothills Shelter and all the other shelters in the world will find homes too and then everyone’s heart will turn to gold and everyone will be happy furever and World Peace will ensue.

      -More chocolate, bacon, and strong black tea

      -Gift cards to H&M, Target, Tattered Cover Bookstore, and Common Grounds Coffee House (this is my honest Christmas list… shut up)

      -A giant bag of MnMs (this is in addition to the aforementioned chocolate)

      -To continue to strive towards being me and having the patience to do the things I love and be who I want to be and who I need to be and wake up every day with drive and ambition and motivation to do awesome things for myself and for others and continue to make and participate in super fun and cool things and just generally live an awesomsauce life of creativity and excitement and continue to enjoy the chase and cherish the confusion down my path for Life, the Universe, and the Pursuit of Happiness.

Love to you and the Elves and Mrs. Santa’s Sister,

Sarah

Because it's my Fucking Blog and I Can Do That!

If you can find it that is... teehee

I had an awkward moment today. One of those… awkward moments when…

Actually, it was more of a moment of realization. That moment when I realized…

Nah--

That seemingly insignificant moment when I Googled my old pen name, only to realize that my self-initiated alter-ego still somehow has more of an internet presence than my real name does.

At first it made me feel small. Why don’t I have a presence?

Then the reality of the situation hit me. Not only am I SheDevil PsychoBitch… I MADE SheDevil PsychoBitch.

It’s like that movie Kickass, only I’m not famous. Aaaaand... the only life SheDevil ever saved was my own.

People don’t seem to understand what SheDevil stood for. I was very angry about my past when I created her. I was hurting people. I was mean. I was illogical. I was sick. I was depressed. I was sad. I wanted to die. I was self-destructive. I hated my life. I was beginning to hate myself. I was cruel. I was dirty. I was pushed too far. I was ugly. I was empty. I was hopeless.

I was hurting so bad that all I wanted to do was hurt people in return, which made me hurt even more. I had lost the ability to relate to people without being abusive. I had so much anger in my heart that it would seep out all day every day onto everyone around me. I was out of control.

Even if I was good to people in person, I’d be cruel to them in text form. Texting, emailing, writing, Facebook, messaging, etc…

My SheDevil found a way out regardless.

So when my counselor told me to find an outlet for my anger, I knew what I had to do. I gave my anger a name and I gave her a place to shine. I separated her from all other avenues of communication and I let her go hog wild. I let her say and do whatever she wanted as long as she did so as SheDevil Psychobitch and as long as she kept it at she-devil.blogspot.com (this url is no longer in use). SheDevil had a lot to say, even if she didn’t make sense at times. There was so much anger, frustration, and twizted confusion built up in my heart before SheDevil that I could barely function. The day I gave my SheDevil her own space was the day I got my life back.

I would sometimes get a lot of shit for what SheDevil had to write.

Do you know the whole world can see what you’re writing on there?

You know that one entry isn’t scientifically accurate, right?

Is that really how you think?

I have no idea what any of your entries are about. They make zero sense to me.

That happened like a year ago… Why are you still pissed about it?

You need to relax…

You need to get over it…

Is that really what happened? Are you kidding me?!

You know the world isn’t actually a fairy tale, right?

Why would you write those things online!?

I don’t get it. It’s really weird.

My response to these^^^?

Why do you care? You typed it into your web bar. If you don’t like it… don’t read it!

I made a personal choice to separate my angry feelings and occasionally warped view of the world and write about it anonymously and MAKE FUN OF MYSELF on a tiny little website that I started ON MY SMARTPHONE at 3am on a Tuesday morning! And it worked!

Aside from occasionally texting the URL to someone who asked to read it, I never actually asked anyone to read it.

But somehow…

People did!

For some reason, people all over the WORLD started reading what SheDevil had to write.

What I had to write!

And so I kept writing regardless of who may have been reading.

It woke something up in me. It saved my life. I don’t really understand it all, but it changed me for the better.

And to this day, people give me shit about SheDevil, like they think they have a say in it or something.

I saved my sanity and restored my own personal well-being by writing like an asshole on the internet to NOBODY… while simultaneously and unintentionally getting through to people! That’s pretty damn cool if you ask me!

So… NO… I’m not sorry. I’m just Sarah.

I realize now that more people should do what I did. I personally think the whole world should give their inner jackass a place to shine. It's liberating and inspiring and freeing in a way you have to experience to believe. 

I don't think everyone anyone is fully capable of suppressing their inner asshole. 

So let her rip... so to speak...

Music. Art. Painting. Writing. Sports. Dancing...Furniture!?

There are countless ways to convert your inner dickhead.

If anyone cares, tell them to look away. 

Tell them you're not sorry.

- Write on -

It's Mad but It's Magic [The Perspective of Luck]

“Tryna tell you Son if it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have no luck at all”

                         -Ray Charles “If it Wasn’t for Bad Luck” 1969

Ray sings the blues, of course. The blues forces the listener look at the bad stuff in a different light.

Write the blues... and the bad stuff becomes the inspiration.
Sing the blues... and the bad stuff turn into the melody.  

Without the bad stuff (...cheating lovers, broken hearts, being banished from Georgia...) there is no blues.

It’s mad but it’s magic. If bad luck is a magic spell, there are a billion counter-spells to turn it into Good Luck.
In Ray’s case, the counter-spell was music. The Blues thrives on the Bad Luck of the creator. It turns one person's momentary Bad Luck into something amazing that can be enjoyed in a positive way by many.

Ladies and Gentlemen...
Stephen Hawking
.

At every point in history…on every continent… on every planet in every universe and every parallel universe… there are people who have taken their Bad Luck and used it as inspiration to create.

Musicians, authors, painters, playwrights, animators, illustrators, photographers…

Athletes, geniuses, inventors, scientists...

Don’t panic, don’t get cocky, 

and don’t forget to feel. Feelings 

used appropriately spark inspiration. 

Inspiration put into effect is the 

secret ingredient in the counter-curse.

I had a talk with a friend recently about The Perspective of Luck. A lot of this entry is actually based on our conversation. Why do some who seem to have had the most unlucky experiences sometimes end up creating the coolest lives for themselves? Is it just an illusion? Is the grass always greener?

But then, why do some let themselves be consumed by the wrath of Bad Luck and continue to wallow in their own misfortune?

Some of the most complex ideas are actually the most simple. The answer lies in the luck-holder’s perspective. Positivity is key.

“There’s nothing wrong with blind positivity. There’s plenty wrong with blind negativity.”

                                -SheDevil Psychobitch 2013

While blind positivity is certainly a start, it alone does not always induce the magic wormhole that turns Bad Luck into Good Luck. The curse of Bad Luck needs a little extra effort on the luckholder’s part in order to spark the counter-curse.

It’s easy to want to sink into a pit of “oh poor me” when hit with the curse of Bad Luck, but it’s those who become inspired by the curse who break the curse.

As mentioned, there are a billion ways to do this. I can’t tell you (the reader) how to do this for yourself. Everyone has streaks of Bad Luck. Everyone has bad shit happen to them.
Everyone has a different path, a different journey, a different counter-curse.

“Shit happens. Life happens.  Enjoy the chase and cherish the confusion”

                                                -SheDevil Psychobitch 2014

“Write about what makes you anxious until it makes your famous”

-some quote from the “The Carrie Diaries” TV show that I am likely remembering slightly incorrectly but I like it and am quoting regardless because it’s my fucking blog and I can do that

Charles Bukowski "An Almost Made Up Poem"
year of origin unknown

Last year, after months of Bad Luck and the “oh poor me” mentality, I opened up “Confessions of a SheDevil” as a last resort to write-o-babble about what had happened to me. I'm convinced that doing this saved my life at the same time as it catapulted me back into my creative niche.

Did I write myself out of Bad Luck?
I like to think that's exactly what I did.

Maybe it’s magic…

Or maybe it’s just perspective. ;)