Because it's my Fucking Blog and I Can Do That!

If you can find it that is... teehee

I had an awkward moment today. One of those… awkward moments when…

Actually, it was more of a moment of realization. That moment when I realized…

Nah--

That seemingly insignificant moment when I Googled my old pen name, only to realize that my self-initiated alter-ego still somehow has more of an internet presence than my real name does.

At first it made me feel small. Why don’t I have a presence?

Then the reality of the situation hit me. Not only am I SheDevil PsychoBitch… I MADE SheDevil PsychoBitch.

It’s like that movie Kickass, only I’m not famous. Aaaaand... the only life SheDevil ever saved was my own.

People don’t seem to understand what SheDevil stood for. I was very angry about my past when I created her. I was hurting people. I was mean. I was illogical. I was sick. I was depressed. I was sad. I wanted to die. I was self-destructive. I hated my life. I was beginning to hate myself. I was cruel. I was dirty. I was pushed too far. I was ugly. I was empty. I was hopeless.

I was hurting so bad that all I wanted to do was hurt people in return, which made me hurt even more. I had lost the ability to relate to people without being abusive. I had so much anger in my heart that it would seep out all day every day onto everyone around me. I was out of control.

Even if I was good to people in person, I’d be cruel to them in text form. Texting, emailing, writing, Facebook, messaging, etc…

My SheDevil found a way out regardless.

So when my counselor told me to find an outlet for my anger, I knew what I had to do. I gave my anger a name and I gave her a place to shine. I separated her from all other avenues of communication and I let her go hog wild. I let her say and do whatever she wanted as long as she did so as SheDevil Psychobitch and as long as she kept it at she-devil.blogspot.com (this url is no longer in use). SheDevil had a lot to say, even if she didn’t make sense at times. There was so much anger, frustration, and twizted confusion built up in my heart before SheDevil that I could barely function. The day I gave my SheDevil her own space was the day I got my life back.

I would sometimes get a lot of shit for what SheDevil had to write.

Do you know the whole world can see what you’re writing on there?

You know that one entry isn’t scientifically accurate, right?

Is that really how you think?

I have no idea what any of your entries are about. They make zero sense to me.

That happened like a year ago… Why are you still pissed about it?

You need to relax…

You need to get over it…

Is that really what happened? Are you kidding me?!

You know the world isn’t actually a fairy tale, right?

Why would you write those things online!?

I don’t get it. It’s really weird.

My response to these^^^?

Why do you care? You typed it into your web bar. If you don’t like it… don’t read it!

I made a personal choice to separate my angry feelings and occasionally warped view of the world and write about it anonymously and MAKE FUN OF MYSELF on a tiny little website that I started ON MY SMARTPHONE at 3am on a Tuesday morning! And it worked!

Aside from occasionally texting the URL to someone who asked to read it, I never actually asked anyone to read it.

But somehow…

People did!

For some reason, people all over the WORLD started reading what SheDevil had to write.

What I had to write!

And so I kept writing regardless of who may have been reading.

It woke something up in me. It saved my life. I don’t really understand it all, but it changed me for the better.

And to this day, people give me shit about SheDevil, like they think they have a say in it or something.

I saved my sanity and restored my own personal well-being by writing like an asshole on the internet to NOBODY… while simultaneously and unintentionally getting through to people! That’s pretty damn cool if you ask me!

So… NO… I’m not sorry. I’m just Sarah.

I realize now that more people should do what I did. I personally think the whole world should give their inner jackass a place to shine. It's liberating and inspiring and freeing in a way you have to experience to believe. 

I don't think everyone anyone is fully capable of suppressing their inner asshole. 

So let her rip... so to speak...

Music. Art. Painting. Writing. Sports. Dancing...Furniture!?

There are countless ways to convert your inner dickhead.

If anyone cares, tell them to look away. 

Tell them you're not sorry.

- Write on -