Thursday, November 27, 2014

Throwback Thanksgiving

Throwback Thanksgiving!

*27 on 27*

27 seemingly not-so-perfect things that I’m thankful to have experienced.

Some lessons cannot be taught. They have to be lived.

“Sometimes we have to suffer a little so we can truly enjoy life.”  -The Ogre

Rising Phoenix/Shaking Scaredy Cat

When I get knocked down, I don’t stay there long. I pop a can of spinach and I whoop ass!

1• I once watched a stupid teen movie that changed my life.  I used to have a hard time stepping out of my comfort zone and never really had a lot of fun. One day I watched “I Love you Beth Cooper” and realized that I’d never be alive if I wasn’t living.

2• I’ve experienced life from many different shapes.
a.       I was a gangly and skinny child.
b.      In high school I was a lean, muscular athlete.
c.       I developed late and ended up with gigantic tits and a bubble butt my senior year.
d.      In college I put on a lot of weight and was nearly obese.
e.      I took the weight off and became trim and healthy by the age of 24
f.        I went through a fit of morbid depression at the age of 27 and was nearly emaciated.
g.       I’ve since put on some healthy curves while still maintaining an athletic build. I like this shape best.

3• I used to try and denounce my intelligence because I thought it made me uncool. When I decided to take it back in my early 20s I wasn’t taken seriously by my peers. It took years, but those who mattered eventually were able to see that I’m not a dumbshit. I don’t really care anyway if people think I’m dumb or not.

4• When I was 25 I fell out of love with my hometown in the Chicagoland area. I didn’t feel that there was anything left for me there and that my life had hit a dead end. I took a chance and moved 1000 miles away from my friends and family to Denver, Colorado in search of something new. I found it. :)

5• I used to smoke cigarettes… a LOT. There wasn’t a whole lot to do in my home town so we’d all congregate in diners or somebody’s basement and eat pizza and smoke a bunch of cigarettes and weed. By the age of 22, my poor diet and bad habits had more than caught up with me and I felt sick all the time. I felt like hell 24/7 and I truly didn’t believe I’d live past my 25th birthday. My only choice was to turn my life around. I started eating healthy and exercising right away and I quit smoking cigarettes and weed a few years later. It worked!

6• When I was 20 years old I met a man who I thought was the love of my life. 6 years later I ended the relationship as a broke and battered woman with a pile of debt created by that man. In the nearly 2 years since the break-up, I’ve hit rock bottom and been at the lowest, darkest points in my life…. all while busting my ass to try and become the rising-phoenix kick ass woman I’ve always wanted to be. I’m pretty sure I’ve nailed it.

7• I was once guilted into adopting a stray pit bull. I’m so happy I gave in because that dog has become my best friend in the world.

8• I once had a crush on someone and I made a goddamn fool of myself when he denied me. Luckily he’s a good person and he handled it appropriately. It helped me to take a step back and realize that more than one aspect of my behavior at the time needed to be tweaked.


this pretty much sums up our entire friendship





9• I used to make really weird recipes. My mom used to tell me they sounded gross and that I should just make regular food. I’ve since waited tables in 9 different restaurants and have spent countless hours looking through cookbooks and recipe websites. I now make really weird recipes that are fantastic!

10• I’ve always had an insatiable desire to connect unrelated ideas. It used to drive my parents and my friends mad. It seemed like the more stressed I got, the more overactive it would become. I hated that people didn’t get it but I could never denounce my passion for it. Recently, through the help of the interwebs, I’ve realized that there are a world of people who go ape-shit over allegorical creative writing and over the top cross references. I’m now writing an autobiographical fairy tale.

This picture has absolutely no correlation to my novel

11• I was an over-medicated child. The “little white pill for every ache and discomfort” mentality was instilled in me from an early age. I pulled myself out of that life in my early 20s and have learned that most accounts of sickness and discomfort can be treated with lifestyle changes. The only pills I take now are vitamins, dietary supplements, and the occasional ibuprofen or sleep aid. The less medicine I take, the less medicine I end up needing.

12• I’ve lived “50 Shades of Grey”… minus the BDSM… minus the controlling aspect, minus the losing-my-sense-of-self part. …
Okay so it was essentially more like an empowering sex-god fueled journey of self-discovery that took on the unlikely form of a “50 Shades of Grey” parody. Read it HERE

13• I love to make things. Sometimes my desire to make things outweighs my need for the things I make. Sometimes I want to cook something but I don’t have any desire to eat it. Sometimes I want to write something that doesn’t make sense because I like the way it sounds. Sometimes I want to build something even though I know I won’t have room to store it afterwards. I still make things because it makes me happy. It all works out in the end.


14• I’ve been unlucky in love the past two years. I have trust issues after my ex. I’ve incidentally spent the past two years getting to know me for who I am instead of letting myself be defined by someone else. I’m a creative genius and I don’t give a shit if anyone disagrees with that statement.

15• Awhile back I took a second job I knew I didn’t have time for because I had no other choice financially. It was an amazing decision. I have the coolest job in the world and I get to make things everyday.

16• I’m always accidently stealing parts of other writers’ ideas. Everything I write is accidentally exactly 2.7% plagiarized. On the flip side, I’m pretty sure I’m the only person who’s ever written that last sentence.


17• I’m single and living in a state where I don’t have family, so I spend a lot of time by myself. Needless to say, I get lonely sometimes. Although on the extreme plus side, the freedom gives me the opportunity to make and do so many things I’ve always wanted to experience that I was never able to before now.

18• I like to take risks. I like change. I like being confused and not knowing what will happen tomorrow. My dad doesn’t like this about me. He’s always asking me “What if something bad happens?” What my dad forgets is that he is the exact same way. I am my father’s daughter and I’m damn proud of it.

19• I can't sit still for very long. I can't think about one thing for very long. I'm always thinking. I'm always moving. I'm always productive. I'm always creative. I'm always learning.

20• I've had sporadic allergy attacks for years that I couldn't figure out. This past year they got so bad that I had days I wanted to die. One day after a friend's birthday party I woke up super hungover and randomly ate a big handful of granola. My chest and throat immediately closed up on me and I felt like I was going to die right then and there. Luckily I had a jar of cold coffee in the fridge and I grabbed it to neutralize the allergy attack. It worked. I soon made the realization that I might be allergic to oats (a non-common allergen). I cut them out and haven't had an allergy attack like that since.

21• Sometimes I completely lose interest in everything and have no ambition or drive. I used to feel bad about these phases, but now I just embrace the disinterest and let myself be for a while. Sooner rather than later, my passion for life, the universe, and everything always finds its way back to center stage.

22• I thought I was a lesbian for like 3 months one time. I wasn't actually dating girls, but I had absolutely no sex drive for men for awhile and thought that was why. Turns out I just hated my boyfriend. As soon as we broke up my libido for men came back with a vengeance. 

23• Lesbians always think I'm a lesbian, which gets slightly awkward sometimes. On the plus side, I've made some really cool friends who started talking to me because they thought I was gay.

24• Last Spring/Summer I went through a very difficult break-up with a very bad man. THEN I fell down a flight of stairs and obliterated my right wrist and tore up my face. THEN I lost my full-time job. THEN a very good friend from my childhood passed away. I fell apart for awhile. It was devastating. My body, mind, and soul spent a good few months curled up in the fetal position shaking and feeling hopeless. Then one day I got tired of being sad so I picked myself up and I hit the ground running in the Pursuit of Happiness.

25• The last 2 men I've been out with have been insta-clingers. This is a huge turn-off! On the bright side, I've let them both down nicely and on good terms (even though all really wanted to tell them was "GO AWAY!!!!").

26• I have really bad insomnia. There’s no plus side to this one. Insomnia blows.

27• I think nonsense is hilarious. It cracks me up on a whole-nutha-levol. If you don’t understand, then you probably aren’t listening and that’s ok  mission accomplished!





Tuesday, November 25, 2014

The Queen of Typoes



I’m the queen of typos.


I had this exact sentence typed this way in COASD... for a fucking year

I once had a blog called “Life, The Universe, and the Pursit of Happiness”
I had it up for a month before I realized I had spelled pursuit incorrectly.
Actually… I had logged in with the intention of closing it one day when I realized I had it spelled incorrectly.
So I fixed the spelling… and then I closed the blog forever.
Sumtimes I tyep out mye brian stuffs so fast thet I completly fcuk up halve my wordz.
Somtimes I go bak and look lter and ger teally embarrsed by my typoes.
Somtmes I frget add shorter words like the an to
Somtiems I spell and as an. Sometimes I type an for as or is for if.
Wow. That’s really annoying when it’s done over the top that way.

Sometimes I add to many letters to words. I’de deoesn’t
Sometiems it just gets wierd
Thakns!
Sarhah


*click click lcik* 
Faecbook.com

“You’ve just won an IPAD!”
Yea right… shut up. You’ve just earned yourself a virus scan… Computer…

SS Avast 11.17


I thing its funny. I always entitle my screen shots “SS [specific] mm/dd”
I feel liek I’m naming a boat evry time I do.
#ssfacebook1116

I have no idea where this pist is goig. I’m really just having fun seeing where my typing goies when I igmore my “backspace” key and let the typos be unapolgetically themselves.






Wednesday, November 5, 2014

What it Feels Like to Have Insomnia

“Am I asleep? Have I slept?”
                                                                        -Tyler Durden



For those of you who have never suffered from insomnia…
You may think you know, but you have no idea.

When I tell people I have insomnia, they usually say one of the following:
“Why don’t you just relax?”
“You just need to try and get some good sleep.”
“Have you changed up your pillow/mattress/room temperature?”
“Well if you didn’t sleep last night, you’ll probably sleep extra well tonight.”

Really guys, just… stop.
With true insomnia, there are times when the sufferer truly cannot sleep.
I’m not a fan of the word can’t, but this is an exception.

Prolonged insomnia can lead to feelings that make no sense. Everything starts to itch like an allergic reaction, yet everything is numb like Benadryl – a wholly uncomfortable paradox that one cannot imagine if they've never been there.

The sleep deprived mind runs Windows Vista… all the time.
#yousuckvista


The longer I go without sleep, the harder it becomes to sleep.
Sometimes I go so long without sleep I lose feeling in my fingers. It starts with my pinkies and works its way in so that I’m dumb through my wrists.

One time I went so long without sleep that I couldn't feel the right side of my lips. Before long I had little to no feeling in the lower right quadrant of my face.
I sometimes wonder if I had stroked out and somehow never knew about it.

I’ve gone so long without sleep that not even sleep meds will put me out. I once took Lunesta and laid awake staring at my ceiling all night.
Needless to say, that next day was extra special miserable…

“Why don’t you just sleep!?” They say…
Hmmm… I dunno, Man… why don’t you just become a millionaire?
Or just lose 50 pounds?
Or just pull a Denver Omelet out of your ass?

Yea… don’t attempt that last one…

When I don’t sleep, life becomes an altered state of reality.
We sleep to escape reality, so when we don’t escape it on a regular basis, the outcome is beyond what anyone outside the sleep deprived mind can ever imagine.

My sleep has been pretty decent this year. Insomnia comes and goes and I’m working on tactics and methods to shorten the duration of insomnia once it starts.

My longest fit of insomnia lasted an entire year.

Can you imagine where the mind goes after a solid year
without escaping reality for more than 1-4 hours at a time?



It's all reality. It's all fantasy. 
It's all a jumble of Mind Fuck 
Scrambled nothing, everything, fuck this shit, 
I don't care, it all sucks, I love you, I hate you, hate myself, can't hold on, gotta get shit done, gotta lay down, can't--
Shit to do. Shit I want. Need. Don't know don't care. Care a lot. Care too much.
Cry. Whine. Punch a pillow. Scream in my head. Aloud. Too loud. Everyone hears. Everyone cares. No one cares.
Everyone hates me. Everyone loves me. Party on. Fuck this shit. Go to bed.
*Despair ensues*
Can't sleep worth a shit. Want to sleep forever. 
Wanna sleep for a week. Need to sleep for 10 minutes. Wake up. What's the point?
Can't sleep anyway. *Get up*
Clean. Cook. Shop. Work work work.
Social media. Chores. Social media. Exercise. Social media. Work. Social media. Eat. 
Fuck my life! Fuck fuck fcuk!!!!
Hate this shit. Hate it hate it hate it! 
Gotta love it. Hate you! Hate your mom. hate your kid. Hate your grandma. Hate you!
Sleep? yea right. 
FUUUUUUCKKK!

"You think you know, but you have no idea" 



Sunday, November 2, 2014

What it Feels Like to Have PMS

I often hear people (men) talk about how they “don’t believe in PMS”. They think women use it as an excuse to be bitchy.
Sorry boyz… but it’s real. As crazy as it sounds, there really are 3-6 days every month where we really do feel like the woRLd is AbouT to EnD.
You know that old IKEA commercial?


Yes… I really do feel sorry for the Mocha Milker! The struggle is real, Bitch!

So as much as I’m trying to stray away from the Psychobabble Inscripted type entries I used to write as SheDevil, I feel that style of writing is appropriate for this instance.
The following Inner Monologue goes inside the mind of a woman [me] with raging PMS. This is what we have to go through… every… single… month. This is what I went through... today.

Why is it so dark today? I thought this was Colorado. Aren’t we supposed to get 500 Days of Sunshine a year or some shit? Why is it so dark!? I hate it when it’s dark!
Everyone is so annoying! Stop texting me! Stop talking to me! Stop looking at me. Why is everyone always bothering me!?
I’m so bored. Why is no one talking to me? Why is everyone ignoring me?
Ooo a text! No, fuck that Dude. I hate that guy. Why is he even texting me? I don’t even want to read it.
I'll text him back later. If I text him now I'm just going to be really mean. 
Ooo another text? No, it’s just the reminder tone. Why does my phone do that? Stupid feature.
No one likes me. Everyone hates me. My only friend is my dog. 
Hi Puppy. How did you get so pyitty?


Fuck this shit. We’re going for a hike. Where? Where do I want to go? Nowhere. I don't want to move. I just want to sit and sulk. Um... that's sad. Move your ass, Sarah. Make today awesome... or at least tolerable.
I don’t want to drive all the way to the mountains to hike…hmmm... Boulder? No, I’m too bitchy to deal with Boulderites. They’re so annoying!
Where do you want to go, Puppy? No, stop licking me. You’re gross.

Red Rocks! Let’s go to Red Rocks! Red Rocks will make me happy!

[20 minutes of senseless road rage later]

Ahhhh…Red Rocks! Fresh air. My day just got 10 times better. Let’s go Puppy!
Why do my legs hurt? Why do my eyes hurt? Why does my head hurt? I want pizza. Bleh. This sucks. Why did I come here? I just want to go take a nap.
No wait… I’m just cranky. Exercise helps. Let’s do this thing.
Ah so much better. It’s so pretty out. This was a great idea.
FUHHH! Why does that guy have a speaker on his belt!? I don’t want to hear your music, Dumbass! I’m trying to enjoy the outdoors. Ever hear of headphones? Seriously, why? Why do people think that shit is ok.
Oh hear comes a jogger. Better move to one side so she can pass us.
Bluh! Why did she just look at us like that? We’re not in your way, Lady. The trail is wide enough for all of us. That eye roll was not warranted.
You don’t own the fucking world just because you’re running!!!
Oh shit… did I just say that out loud? Why did I say that out loud? What is wrong with me? Maybe this was a bad idea. I'm super bitchy. Maybe I should just go home. 
No wait. I really want to hike. Let’s go.

[2 hours of pointless cranky antics later]

Time to drive home! I feel so much better. I’m glad I did that, even though I was bitchy the whole time. Maybe I won’t be so bitchy for the rest of the day. I may even treat myself to some chocolate ice cream and a nap. Oh happy day!

WHAT THE FUCK! MOVE YOUR ASS, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT PRIUS!