What it Feels Like to Have PMS

I often hear people (men) talk about how they “don’t believe in PMS”. They think women use it as an excuse to be bitchy.

Sorry boyz… but it’s real. As crazy as it sounds, there really are 3-6 days every month where we really do feel like the woRLd is AbouT to EnD.

You know that old IKEA commercial?

Yes… I really do feel sorry for the Mocha Milker! The struggle is real, Bitch!

So as much as I’m trying to stray away from the Psychobabble Inscripted type entries I used to write as SheDevil, I feel that style of writing is appropriate for this instance.

The following Inner Monologue goes inside the mind of a woman [me] with raging PMS. This is what we have to go through… every… single… month. This is what I went through... today.

Why is it so dark today? I thought this was Colorado. Aren’t we supposed to get 500 Days of Sunshine a year or some shit? Why is it so dark!? I hate it when it’s dark!
Everyone is so annoying! Stop texting me! Stop talking to me! Stop looking at me. Why is everyone always bothering me!?

I’m so bored. Why is no one talking to me? Why is everyone ignoring me?

Ooo a text! No, fuck that Dude. I hate that guy. Why is he even texting me? I don’t even want to read it.
I'll text him back later. If I text him now I'm just going to be really mean. 

Ooo another text? No, it’s just the reminder tone. Why does my phone do that? Stupid feature.

No one likes me. Everyone hates me. My only friend is my dog. 

Hi Puppy. How did you get so pyitty?

Fuck this shit. We’re going for a hike. Where? Where do I want to go? Nowhere. I don't want to move. I just want to sit and sulk. Um... that's sad. Move your ass, Sarah. Make today awesome... or at least tolerable.

I don’t want to drive all the way to the mountains to hike…hmmm... Boulder? No, I’m too bitchy to deal with Boulderites. They’re so annoying!

Where do you want to go, Puppy? No, stop licking me. You’re gross.

Red Rocks! Let’s go to Red Rocks! Red Rocks will make me happy!

[20 minutes of senseless road rage later]

Ahhhh…Red Rocks! Fresh air. My day just got 10 times better. Let’s go Puppy!

Why do my legs hurt? Why do my eyes hurt? Why does my head hurt? I want pizza. Bleh. This sucks. Why did I come here? I just want to go take a nap.

No wait… I’m just cranky. Exercise helps. Let’s do this thing.

Ah so much better. It’s so pretty out. This was a great idea.

FUHHH! Why does that guy have a speaker on his belt!? I don’t want to hear your music, Dumbass! I’m trying to enjoy the outdoors. Ever hear of headphones? Seriously, why? Why do people think that shit is ok.

Oh hear comes a jogger. Better move to one side so she can pass us.

Bluh! Why did she just look at us like that? We’re not in your way, Lady. The trail is wide enough for all of us. That eye roll was not warranted.

You don’t own the fucking world just because you’re running!!!

Oh shit… did I just say that out loud? Why did I say that out loud? What is wrong with me? Maybe this was a bad idea. I'm super bitchy. Maybe I should just go home. 

No wait. I really want to hike. Let’s go.

[2 hours of pointless cranky antics later]

Time to drive home! I feel so much better. I’m glad I did that, even though I was bitchy the whole time. Maybe I won’t be so bitchy for the rest of the day. I may even treat myself to some chocolate ice cream and a nap. Oh happy day!

WHAT THE FUCK! MOVE YOUR ASS, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT PRIUS!