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“Am I asleep? Have I slept?”
-Tyler Durden
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For those of you who have never suffered from
insomnia…
You may think you know, but you have no idea.
When I tell people I have insomnia, they usually
say one of the following:
“Why don’t you just relax?”
“You just need to try and get some good
sleep.”
“Have you changed up your pillow/mattress/room
temperature?”
“Well if you didn’t sleep last night, you’ll
probably sleep extra well tonight.”
Really guys, just… stop.
With true insomnia, there are times when the
sufferer truly cannot sleep.
I’m not a fan of the word can’t, but this is an
exception.
Prolonged insomnia can lead to feelings that make
no sense. Everything starts to itch like an allergic reaction, yet everything
is numb like Benadryl – a wholly uncomfortable paradox that one cannot imagine
if they've never been there.
The sleep deprived mind runs Windows Vista… all the
time.
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| #yousuckvista |
The longer I go without sleep, the harder it
becomes to sleep.
Sometimes I go so long without sleep I lose feeling
in my fingers. It starts with my pinkies and works its way in so that I’m dumb
through my wrists.
One time I went so long without sleep that I couldn't feel the right side of my lips. Before long I had little to no feeling in the
lower right quadrant of my face.
I sometimes wonder if I had stroked out and somehow
never knew about it.
I’ve gone so long without sleep that not even sleep
meds will put me out. I once took Lunesta and laid awake staring at my ceiling
all night.
Needless to say, that next day was extra special miserable…
“Why don’t you just sleep!?” They say…
Hmmm… I dunno, Man… why don’t you just become a
millionaire?
Or just lose 50 pounds?
Or just pull a Denver Omelet out of your ass?
Yea… don’t attempt that last one…
When I don’t sleep, life becomes an altered state
of reality.
We sleep to escape reality, so when we don’t escape
it on a regular basis, the outcome is beyond what anyone outside the sleep
deprived mind can ever imagine.
My sleep has been pretty decent this year. Insomnia
comes and goes and I’m working on tactics and methods to shorten the duration
of insomnia once it starts.
My longest fit of insomnia lasted an entire year.
Can you imagine where the mind goes
after a solid year
without escaping reality for more than
1-4 hours at a time?
It's all reality. It's all fantasy.
It's all a jumble of Mind Fuck
Scrambled nothing, everything, fuck this shit,
I don't care, it all sucks, I love you, I hate you, hate myself,
can't hold on, gotta get shit done, gotta lay down, can't--
Shit to do. Shit I want. Need. Don't know don't care. Care a lot.
Care too much.
Cry. Whine. Punch a pillow. Scream in my head. Aloud. Too loud.
Everyone hears. Everyone cares. No one cares.
Everyone hates me. Everyone loves me. Party on. Fuck this shit. Go
to bed.
*Despair ensues*
Can't sleep worth a shit. Want to sleep forever.
Wanna sleep for a week. Need to sleep for 10 minutes. Wake up.
What's the point?
Can't sleep anyway. *Get up*
Clean. Cook. Shop. Work work work.
Social media. Chores. Social media. Exercise. Social media. Work.
Social media. Eat.
Fuck my life! Fuck fuck fcuk!!!!
Hate this shit. Hate it hate it hate it!
Gotta love it. Hate you! Hate your mom. hate your kid. Hate your
grandma. Hate you!
Sleep? yea right.
FUUUUUUCKKK!
"You think you know, but you have no idea"
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