Overwhelmed and Under Pressure at the Bottom of the 9th; Monday Extra

I have a lot going on at the moment. We’ve all been there.

I do my best to remain on the ball at all points in time regardless of how much gets thrown my way, but sometimes it really gets to be a lot.

I have a lot on my plate right now, most of which pertains to my day-to-day responsibilities that remain unchanged as I go through an extremely trying time I like to call “The Tail End of the Shit Storm”.

I’m at the bottom of the 9^th with some overwhelming bull-crap that was thrown my way 2 years ago (but really more like 4 years ago). In short, my Ex is a giant dickhead who ate my soul and tore up my life. I kicked him out of my life awhile back and I’ve been fixing his our mess ever since. This month marks the end of it, requiring a next-to-impossible list of commands on my end this month in order to eradicate the last morsel rat-turd of the situation.

It’s stressful, to say the very least, but it helps me to know that it’s almost over.

Bottom of the 9^th I tell  myself, Bottom of the 9^th  Bottom of the 9^th  Bottom of the 9th

Over and over, it gets me through. When I’ve dealt with this much bullshit for 2 whole years, being at the bottom of the 9^th almost seems too good to be true.

It weighs on me either way. My body, mind, and spirit hurt with the ever-presence of dilemma. I fixed it… I’m fixing it, but it’s not over quite yet. The anger that has stewed in my heart for so long now has only a few more days before it can truly be freed, but it seems to feel stronger than ever.

I found out some bad news today about a friend of mine. It had nothing to do with my own personal situation, but I fell apart more for her than I did for myself.  It was as if I had been holding my emotions in a tight little bundle for days upon days, only to have them all explode out of me upon hearing about another person's pain.
Have you ever have one of those moments when you’re lying on the floor a dirty dog bed, crying sobbing wailing uncontrollably and not really caring about what you're actually supposed to be doing? Nothing matters at that point but the fact that you cannot move, you cannot try, you cannot speak. Crying becomes the most important thing in the world, and you let yourself break into pieces. The world goes on without you unchanged, but that’s no longer your concern anyway.

There’s something humbling about laying on the floor embracing sadness and overwhelming stress in a chaotic, cathartic, tantrum-like state. It feels as if there is no future beyond that very moment, that the floor and the sadness that it’s taken on is where you’ll reside for the rest of eternity.

It’s happened to us all, but when we aren’t there we can’t possibly understand why anyone would do such a thing.

And yet we all end up back there now and again, on the floor convulsing in sorrow; clutching a pet, a stuffed animal, a pillow, or even our own shoulders. Letting go of all that hurts while simultaneously basking in it.

And when we snap out of it we feel weak. But is it really weakness, or is it pain leaving the body?

Never be afraid to feel, I tell myself, but when TCB-ing is my chosen MO and stuff needs to get done it’s sometimes required that I set aside designated time to really feel as deeply as I should. 

It hurts. All of it. My own mess, the sorry I feel for my friend, the overwhelming amount of stuff going on right now…. It’s not easy. It’s actually really difficult.

Bottom of the 9^th Bottom of the 9^th Bottom of the 9^th  

Honey runs thicker than vinegar. Hard work and a smile is key.

There’s nothing wrong with blind positivity. There’s plenty wrong with blind negativity.

I got this.